Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
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Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
And then there were 4
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit