I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
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ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.