Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
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I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.