Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
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Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
How funny!
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
real
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.