Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
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*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this