They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
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Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.