Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
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Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
The Onion called it…again.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.