Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
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A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.