*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
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I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
my astrological sign is a french fry
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
Story of my life…..
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason