Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
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I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
Trumpy Cat
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
My whole life was a lie.
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall