can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
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“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
My last name is Zilla.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.