Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
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Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy