I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
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It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
Worlds greatest photobomb
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured