If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
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Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.