Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
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Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
My purse is deeper than some people.