Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
You Might Also Like
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine