Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
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I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
why would tinder want me to say this
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old