I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
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[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade