Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
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Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.