Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
You Might Also Like
😩😩😩
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!