[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
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If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.