It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
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Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”