Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
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The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
A new level of troll.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.