me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
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Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
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OMG DAD WAT?
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gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?