For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
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THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
Shhh!
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.