Sponch
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The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!