Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
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I’ve been drinking.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
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Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN