GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
You Might Also Like
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
Still my favorite headline of all time:
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.