Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
You Might Also Like
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
Ugh
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
some cats are just doing for fun!
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.