#Caturday
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Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now