*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
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Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear