99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
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Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.