Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
You Might Also Like
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.