OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
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Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
79.
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
Do not steal food from the science building!
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !