Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
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Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
i- i did not expect this
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”