Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
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I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
Customer is always right
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
When ur friends with white people
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.