One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
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Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?