Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
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every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
When the stylist spins you back around
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?