It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
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I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
The biggest mystery of our time
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep