Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
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I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this