I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
You Might Also Like
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
when someone rings the doorbell
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.