Brother?
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if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
i will not be silenced
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.