if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
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The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example