me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
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I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll