Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
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Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
I only eat vegetarians.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”