My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
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[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
paddle faster i hear baby shark
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake