omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
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I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
🏙👨🏼
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
(yawn)
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
*cough*
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌