absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
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My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
Des Moines Police having a normal one
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
Fluff me with a fork baby