*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
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they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
LA today:
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.