My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
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Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
Britain be like
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.